Followed by Widows

 

The title of this could be the start of a creepy gothic adventure, I’m imagining being pursued by wraith like creatures in black veils who float along dark and misty alleyways.

Actually, that might be more interesting to both write and read, maybe I need a new heading?

Perhaps the name of this post isn’t totally accurate either. I want to write about how many widows follow me on Twitter but when I fact checked the number it is actually very small. However, the Twitter algorithms do put lots of tweets on my timeline written by widows and those recently bereaved.

Sometimes I add my own comment, after all I’ve been playing this game for almost twelve years so perhaps, I should consider myself an expert at dispensing wisdom on the subject.

“Be kind to yourself” being the best I have to offer.

In real life I also seem to be followed by widows, maybe I’m not a good friend to have, since I lost Andrew, others in my wider social circle have been widowed and some of those before their mid-fifties. I wonder if God uses algorithms to put like-minded people in your path to offer support when it is most needed?

Early on in my journey I wrote a blog post called Following Foglights and another about being a pioneer. It’s almost laughable that even back then I considered myself a trailblazer. Foreshadowing at its finest maybe, although at 42, I knew others would follow, eventually.

I still hold onto my dreams of writing a book about my experiences and even if my latest plan is to write my story as fiction, a hint of truth, greatly embellished, I hope it expresses some of the challenges and emotions that accompany the grieving process.

Everyone’s journey is different but there are always similarities and common ground. Just knowing you are not alone is comforting.

To that end I really must write the book instead of writing about it. I know I was procrastinating earlier in the month when I wrote about creating a spreadsheet to help with the plot - I've done very little if any actual writing since. 

Please hold me to account and nag me to keep going because there maybe someone following in my wake who needs to read it.

Pondering, Plotting, Planning, Procrastinating

 I sent a message to youngest son

“Today I created my very first excel spreadsheet.”

This was his reply.

Which did make me laugh because, as a computer geek, he is a lover of spreadsheets, so much so I even bought him this mug for Christmas one year.

My spreadsheet wasn’t filled with numbers and complex mathematical equations but with a plot outline for my novel.

A few months back I decided writing my story as a memoir was a bit like piloting a minisub through rice pudding (one of Andrew’s favourite sayings) and as I have never liked rice pudding, I decided I needed a dramatic re-think to move things forward if I ever wanted to complete the project and get a book written, let alone published.

After much pondering I have chosen to write the tale of a young widow in her first year of grief as a novel, rather than writing a true story. My protagonist goes through some of the same things I did and I will still draw on my emotions and experiences which I wrote about at the time in my blog. The rawness of my writing from then will be invaluable source material.

However, the story is NOT about me, I have left some bits out, changed real people for made up characters and embellished much of it. I’ve already written 16,000 words – which sounds impressive, but I'm at the stage where the doubts creep in. I find myself floundering as I realise there are things I want to change at the start and I’m reticent to continue, it feels as if I’ve wandered a bit too far from the original path and lost my bearings.

What’s required is a map, something tangible to direct me, a proper structure to build on. I need to work on the plot, it’s all too fluid, bouncing around in my head, it requires taming and I have never really mastered this bit of the process before.

I reached the same point with The Girl in the Yellow Dress and The Book of Esther and admit I gave up. Hopefully one day I will go back to them because I know they are both too good to completely throw away. I believe they are worth finishing. As is this latest novel idea. 

This is when I usually start pondering... 

Is plotting just another way to procrastinate? 

Will planning take me away from the all important business of actually writing?

The writing had already stalled so I reasoned I'd got nothing to lose and with renewed confidence and purpose, I sat in the garden the other week, enjoying the sunshine and creating some character mind maps. I’ve already ditched some characters in the process, which feels right even though it means I will need to delete a few thousand words before I start writing again. I always think I know my characters well but then discover if I push too hard, they fall apart like a wobbly tower of Jenga blocks. They don’t have solid foundations or backstories.

Today I’ve produced my spreadsheet of the main plot details in some semblance of order, when different characters appear and how that moves the narrative on. The structure, while not set in stone, will give me a bit more of a framework to hang the finer details of the story onto. I have found my way forward, at least for now until I come up against another hurdle, which I invariably will.

But for now I’m quite excited, I feel as if I really have excelled myself today – or maybe it’s just procrastination as a way of avoiding the housework? But that, as they say, is another story entirely…

Home Truths with Lady Grey – a character interview with Mona

And now for something completely different - as part of the blog tour for Katherine Blessan's new book Home Truths with Lady Grey I decided to interview one of the book's main characters and I created my own cafe which serves Lady Grey tea for us to meet in!

I choose a table in the café in the corner and sit so I can see the door. I’m a little early.

                Mona is easy to spot when she arrives, with the olive complexion from her Iranian heritage and long dark hair. A toddler walks besides her with the kind of confidence that only a three-year-old can possess. I smile both to make her feel welcome and because I have the feeling, she is the sort of person I could so easily be friends with.

                After all her daughter almost shares my name, although she goes by the name Za Za which seems to suit her bubbly personality.

                Mona and I both order Lady Grey tea, another good sign in my book.

                She settles herself down, the drinks are placed in front of us and she removes the paper from Za Za’s fairy cake. Sprinkles fall on the plate like fairy dust and the child is captivated.

                “So, Mona, tell me a little about your family?”

                “My parents are Farah and Iskander Shirazi. They were born in Iran and moved here from Iran in the mid ‘80s. My sister, Pari, is a couple of years older than me. She is married with two kids and is very career minded. I’m married to James and we have bonkers little Za Za, as you can see here.”

                “What was it like growing up as an Iranian girl in Sheffield?”

                “In many ways I had a normal childhood, and because it was normal for me, I can’t really compare it to growing up non-Iranian. But Sheffield was less multicultural than it is now, and there were a few times when I was so embarrassed by my Maman’s dress or by my parents’ faith traditions that I just wanted to do my own thing and be like everyone else. I think that was mainly fear of other children’s reactions though, rather than anything about being Iranian in itself.”

                “You have a faith, different to mine. You are a Muslim and I am a Christian, but I feel we have much in common. How does your faith impact your life?”

                “I know there’s a God who cares about me and guides my life. That gives me peace. I’m not very devout, as my Maman frequently likes to remind me, but I feel the certainty of Allah’s presence like a rock.”

                “Ask me a question now!” squeals Za Za not wanting to be left out.

                “Hmmm.” I pretend to think deeply. “Tell me about your favourite toy?”

                “Meme my favouwit toy. Sometimes naughty but always love.” Za Za holds Meme’s hard little body up in the air then snuggles her against her chest and closes her eyes. Then she opens them again and gives a cheeky grin.

                Mona drinks her tea, enjoying the way her daughter is engaging with me. Once Za Za has finished her answer Mona hands over her phone to keep her daughter amused and tells me about her friend Jennifer.

                “She’s very kind, actually, and thoughtful.  On first impressions, she doesn’t come across that way as she can be a bit defensive, but I like her directness, the way she doesn’t pretend to be something that she’s not. It’s refreshing.

                “The way Jennifer’s life experience shapes her is also fascinating. She’s been through a lot in her time, but doesn’t come across as bitter. She was bullied at school, experienced sexual harassment and now she’s got Motor Neurone disease.”

                Our meeting is brief, we say our goodbyes, Za Za waving a twirling as she leaves which makes me smile.

                Once you break through Mona’s shy and quiet demeanour, she is so easy to talk to. Her friendship with Jennifer is an intriguing one, an accidental first encounter followed by a more formal arrangement. How much we all have to learn from one another if we only take the time to listen and put aside our prejudices.

 

You can find out how Mona and Jennifer become friends and about the challenges each of them face by reading Katherine’s latest book Home Truths with Lady Grey.

Get in touch with Katherine if you would like a print copy.

Home Truths with Lady Grey

or click below for the e-book

Home Truths with Lady Grey

Thanks to Katherine for answering my questions as if she was Mona (and Za Za)

What DOES Jesus look like?

 Anyone watching the latest series of Killing Eve?

Hopefully I won’t give away any spoilers but I want to start by thinking about the visions Villanelle has of Jesus.

For those who have never watched the show or have no idea what I’m writing about I shall give a brief resume.

Villanelle is a psychopath, a ruthless killer who works for a shadowy organisation as an assassin.

Her dress sense is incredibly flamboyant and for a murderess there is something endearing about her, she seems a little lost, in need of mothering but I don’t think she would make a good daughter or a faithful best friend. She would put you on her hit list if you just looked at her in a funny way.

The fourth and final series begins with her “finding God” wanting to prove that she has turned over a new leaf. She uses her extensive charms to join a church, even moving in with the kindly vicar of the parish. She is desperate to get Baptised, for all the wrong reasons, and actually belong to something good for the first time in her life.

This is when she starts to see visions of Jesus, her own version of Jesus, Jesus in drag.

To be honest I’ve avoided looking up any reaction to this but I suspect there is some outcry from the more conservative quarters that this image of Jesus is blasphemous. I’m sure if this series was on the BBC at a specific time rather than streamed on iPlayer it might have got more reaction.

However, I take a different view as I think we all have a tendency to make Jesus in our image to suit ourselves and make Jesus relatable.

The Victorians were fond of portraying Jesus as white with glowing blonde hair and clear crystal blue eyes and that image has pretty much stuck for many people.

One day on our church Facebook page I dared to post an image of Jesus that was black and someone got very upset about it. But each culture has their own idea of what Jesus/God looks like, basically we like to make Jesus someone we can identify with, usually with our own colouring and style.

Ethiopian Last Supper (anonymous)

Peace, Be Still by James He Qi (1998)

No one knows what Jesus really looked like as there are obviously no photographs from that time but one of the the best approximations I’ve seen is this image by child prodigy Akiane Kramarik, amazingly she was only 8 years old when she painted this! WOW!

Prince of Peace

Then there is this model by Richard Neave which never claims to be Jesus but a representation of what a Jewish man of that time and place might look like. It is far removed from the the blonde haired image we so often see.

Model by Richard Neave  2001

Jesus might not look like us but if we are made in God’s image then each of us displays something of God and his son Jesus in our essence. The family resemblance is not in looks but something in our personality - our caring nature, our creativity, the sense of justice or wonder we possess, the ache of compassion, the joy we experience seeing a sunset or hearing good news.

I refuse to be offended at Villenelle’s vision and likewise didn’t get upset when my bother bought me a dancing with Jesus bobbling figurine at Christmas. Was it a present meant to provoke a reaction? It just made me laugh, as I’m sure God does when we often get things wrong in a crazy way, not when we do something blatantly sinful on purpose.

Our own childish view of Jesus is like a child’s stick figure drawing. Perhaps God has hundreds and thousands of these images stuck on his giant fridge and each day as he passes he smiles benevolently at our crude likenesses.

I’m sure God has a sense of humour and can take a joke far better than the rest of us and see the funny side when it doesn’t mean harm. God has broad shoulders and one day we will see him face to face and perhaps then he (or she) really will have the last laugh at our shocked faces.

A long time ago on a blog post far far away I wrote this poem called Jesus is an Action Man - if you enjoyed this you might like this too CLICK HERE to read it.

Occupation – Mother

Inspired by an A-Z of occupation on the Suffolk Writers Facebook Page  and with yesterday being Mothering Sunday I decided to combine the two and come up with a list of jobs undertaken by us mothers and others – all in the name of fun and procrastination…

Advisor - Are you able to give advice on such diverse topics as which options to choose for GCSEs, how to deal with bullies and what shirt should be worn for a wedding? Don’t delay apply today.

Barber – a handy life-skill to master, keep an eye on the technique used by the professionals and you too can attempt this in an emergency with creativity and flair.

Conker collector – seasonal outdoor work in the autumn months, if you enjoy the crunch of leaves underfoot, this could be the perfect job for you, easily fitted around the school run.

Diplomat – If only you were better connected, you’d be working for United Nations – their loss is our gain as you negotiate the complexities of sibling rivalry, just who does have the biggest piece of chocolate, do you have the skills to judge by eye without resorting to using the kitchen scales? This is exactly the kind of precision we are looking for.

Elephant Impersonator – Other animals considered, join the circus and fascinate a toddler with your mediocre impressions, short term contract only until the little ones are bored or embarrassed by your behaviour.

Fire starter – Create a cosy family home by lighting as REAL fire in your home. Health and safety training is a must, use of fire guard essential. Butler will clean grate to perfection on occasion (when grandad come to stay) but must be capable of cleaning out in between visits and responsible for arranging a chimney sweep.

Guinea Pig Handler – Tasks include cleaning out cage, moving run to fresh grass and some cuddling.

Holiday Planner – Do you have what it takes to amuse the kids for six weeks over the summer holidays? Scrap book provided to create a portfolio of work completed.

Inventor – Always wanted to join Blue Peter? Test out you credentials by creating fun and mayhem from an assortment of cardboard boxes, a glue stick and pot of glitter (optional) or use recycled tin foil to save the planet instead – extra brownie points available for those who do!

Jedi Master – Are your Midi-Chlorians strong enough to accept this challenge of training a Padawan? Sith Lords and time wasters need not apply.

Knight’s Armour Maker – A very specific role but important when your son is invited to a Knights and Princesses party. Armour should be made from shiny silver fabric to facilitate movement during energetic party games.

Lego-Sorter (Apprentice position) – you must follow orders and stick to the devised system. Being able to differentiate between a oner, twoer, flat piece or wedge is highly desirable but training will be given.

Maker of Meals – includes other cakes and tasty treats. The ability to hide stealth vegetables is essential.

Nurse – Are you flexible enough to care for a sick child in the middle of the night? Make an executive decision on when said child is well enough to return to school? Are you prepared to on occasion wait in A&E, hold hands, wipe tears and generally offer support and comfort? Nursing is a vocation but don’t be put off, you WILL rise to the occasion.

Optical Facilitator – Can you spot a pair of dirty glasses at ten paces? Then this job is for you, especially for those devious enough to be able to apprehend glasses from child’s head and give them a good wipe before returning them. Stealth and distraction is a must for this rewarding position.

Photographer – Herding cats might be easier but just keep snapping to preserve those precious family times together, of course no one will remember you were there as you always have hold of the camera – selfie technique training will be part of the ongoing development of the right person.

Quest Setter – Are you motivated and do you want to motivate others? A temporary position is available for a candidate with imagination in devising a summer reading scheme, tailored to the ability of each child, can you foster a love of words? Bar charts, star charts all considered – coloured pens provided.

Record Keeper – Up to date record keeping is a must especially when filling out medical forms for school trips etc. Remembering dates of each child’s last tetanus injection is an essential quality.

Snowman/ Sandcastle builder – Can you project manage in all weathers? Come sunshine or snow showers we have the job for you.

Tennis Umpire – Can you tell in from out on a tennis court? This is not for the faint hearted – serious contenders only should apply.

Undercover Agent – This role demands ingenuity and flexibility, from hiding behind curtains to amuse the youngest child to secretly listening in on conversations to ascertain the mood of older teens, your skills as an unseen professional should never be underestimated. Eyes in the back of your head is a must for this challenging role.

Ventriloquist Trainer – this job can be outsourced when your son buys a puppet and wants to try his hand at ventriloquism for at least 5 minutes.

Washer Woman – self explanatory but remember to set up training scheme for young apprentices in good time before they fly the nest!

X-terminator – Can you deal with the removal of spiders, birds, bats and mice from you home? All in a days work for one of our skilled operatives. Join the team!

Youth Leader – Do you keep abreast of latest trends and fashions? Is your home a gathering place for the youngsters in your neighbourhood? If you can stick a pizza in the oven to feed a hungry crowd you may have found yourself a new career – at least until university.

Zucchini Grower – other vegetables may to added to the plot …

 

I kind of ran out of steam by the time I got to Z and I couldn’t put zoologist as we only ever had guinea pigs for pets. Otherwise, everything else is pretty much true and all in a day's work!

Two Queens and a Commoner

I’m a big kid at heart and there’s nothing I like better than dressing up and pretending to be someone else.

Recently I have had a plethora of opportunities to indulge my dramatic passions. I’m in the middle of rehearsing for not one but two plays – fortunately one is a murder mystery and as we have to religiously stick to the text, to ensure we deliver each clue to perfection, we are allowed to read from the script. I’m not sure I could learn two parts at once, I’m finding it enough of a struggle learning one set of lines!

But this afternoon I got the chance to play THREE different characters, not just any made up characters either but 3 angry ghosts based on real people.

My friend Mai has written and published a book of thirty poems, each one from the perspective of a famous ghost expressing their anger, often at the unfair way they have been treated in the history books. As she writes at the beginning…

Anger in its extremity produces vast amounts of energy.

Death cannot destroy energy; it merely takes on a new form.

The form of a restless spirit, venting their long-held grievances!

Mai has written poems for ghosts as varied as Neanderthal woman to Abraham Lincoln, Helen of Troy to Rasputin. 

If your historical knowledge is lacking there are short biographies of each character at the back of the book. Very informative, especially for the lesser-known figures such as Abu Bakr II, ruler of the Mali Empire in the 14th Century or Maria Quiteria “the Brazilian Joan of Arc”.

Each poem was written to be read aloud, more than that, to be "performed" thereby bringing each ghost temporarily back to life. To that end a few of us have had our arms twisted, in the nicest possible way of course, to dress up and be dead angry in local libraries and WI meetings.

It’s great fun, sourcing costumes from charity shops, dressing up and making new friends along the way.

This afternoon we filmed some lines from the poems with the aid of a white board to act as an autocue. This will be edited for promotional material. I can’t wait to see how it all turns out, we had so much fun.

You may be wondering which ghosts I became, well as the title of this blog suggests I transformed myself into two queens and a commoner. 

Cleopatra with a black beaded wig and lots of eyeliner, Margaret Catchpole, a local Suffolk lass who was sent to Australia for stealing her master's horse and Queen Victoria, in a costume I pulled together in five minutes using the bits and pieces gathered on the table.

Mai as the wild and furious Boudicca

Caesar - beware the Ides of March

not looking particularly angry!

Margaret Catchpole - longing to go home to England

Preparing to be Queen Victoria - no photos of Cleopatra today

Once the video is edited, I’m sure it will be shared as far and wide on social media as we can reach between us.

If you are interested in buying a copy of the book it is available in each of the wonderful independent bookshops of Ipswich, Woodbridge and Felixstowe, or if you are outside Suffolk try Hive.co.uk you can get the book delivered to an independent bookshop near you or delivered directly to your door.

If you enjoy both history and poetry this book combines the two to perfection and at only £7.99 it is a bargain. 

Buy it now or risk incurring the wrath of thirty historic ghosts who are really not amused!

We are NOT amused.

Spring Clean

It may be my default answer to the question "what is your occupation?" but I don’t claim to be the best housewife in the world. Cleaning and dusting and polishing and hoovering are all jobs I happily leave until I am forced to into them by the impending arrival of visitors.

Although to be fair I’m not so house proud that I won’t invite you into my usual lived-in muddle, all I ask is that you don’t write rude messages in the dust.

Standards have inevitably slipped somewhat with Covid and generally not having as many people popping in as I used to gives me license to skip many of the daily chores.  So much socialising is now done on zoom, you only have to keep a small patch of home looking welcoming, you can keep the mess just out of shot. Please tell me it isn't just me is it????

After my big downsize a few years ago I often feel this house is not so conducive to entertaining. It certainly seems very crowded when both boys are home, too small for too many visitors. Our old house really was the hub of so many activities, still I can't claim it was always sparkling though!

All of this is #FirstWorldProblems when you consider the state of the world and the oh so many, far too many, displaced people of the world who have no roof over their head at the current time.

However, that wasn’t really what I wanted to write about today, even if it is one of the biggest things taking up space in my head. I really want to give my blog an airing, blow away the cobwebs and touch it up with a hint of sparkle.

I used to write so regularly, offering my opinions and thoughts, predominantly at first about being a widow, then stretching my writing muscles and venturing into flash fiction with a sprinkling of poetry.

My blog is now like the spare room which is rarely used and has become a bit of a dumping ground for odd thoughts I want to share and I need to put somewhere. While there is nothing wrong with that, I have decided to inject a bit of… well ummm… purpose maybe... structure? Basically just writing more regularly.

I’m certainly doing a lot more writing overall, I’m a regular contributor on the Authors Electric blog, I’ve been writing bits and pieces for church and after having a total re-think of my memoir idea I have been inspired to write over 10,000 words of a new novel, very loosely based on my experiences of widowhood at a young age.

I also have another writerly “thing” going on which I shall keep under wraps for a little while longer.

My diary is filling up with things to do and I’m going to have to get more organised to be on top of it all. Which can only be a good thing.

virtual tea and cake!

For now as I survey my words, adjust a sentence or two, put in a picture, I know that this is once more fit for purpose, presentable, with crafted thoughts waiting to be read, the perfect place for a visitor to pop by.

So grab a cuppa, stay a while, comment if you like, let’s just stay connected even if it’s only virtually. Maybe my thoughts will align with yours, perhaps I’ll challenge you or just make you smile :-) but thanks for popping in. 

Hopefully I’ll see you again soon xx