Occupation – Mother

Inspired by an A-Z of occupation on the Suffolk Writers Facebook Page  and with yesterday being Mothering Sunday I decided to combine the two and come up with a list of jobs undertaken by us mothers and others – all in the name of fun and procrastination…

Advisor - Are you able to give advice on such diverse topics as which options to choose for GCSEs, how to deal with bullies and what shirt should be worn for a wedding? Don’t delay apply today.

Barber – a handy life-skill to master, keep an eye on the technique used by the professionals and you too can attempt this in an emergency with creativity and flair.

Conker collector – seasonal outdoor work in the autumn months, if you enjoy the crunch of leaves underfoot, this could be the perfect job for you, easily fitted around the school run.

Diplomat – If only you were better connected, you’d be working for United Nations – their loss is our gain as you negotiate the complexities of sibling rivalry, just who does have the biggest piece of chocolate, do you have the skills to judge by eye without resorting to using the kitchen scales? This is exactly the kind of precision we are looking for.

Elephant Impersonator – Other animals considered, join the circus and fascinate a toddler with your mediocre impressions, short term contract only until the little ones are bored or embarrassed by your behaviour.

Fire starter – Create a cosy family home by lighting as REAL fire in your home. Health and safety training is a must, use of fire guard essential. Butler will clean grate to perfection on occasion (when grandad come to stay) but must be capable of cleaning out in between visits and responsible for arranging a chimney sweep.

Guinea Pig Handler – Tasks include cleaning out cage, moving run to fresh grass and some cuddling.

Holiday Planner – Do you have what it takes to amuse the kids for six weeks over the summer holidays? Scrap book provided to create a portfolio of work completed.

Inventor – Always wanted to join Blue Peter? Test out you credentials by creating fun and mayhem from an assortment of cardboard boxes, a glue stick and pot of glitter (optional) or use recycled tin foil to save the planet instead – extra brownie points available for those who do!

Jedi Master – Are your Midi-Chlorians strong enough to accept this challenge of training a Padawan? Sith Lords and time wasters need not apply.

Knight’s Armour Maker – A very specific role but important when your son is invited to a Knights and Princesses party. Armour should be made from shiny silver fabric to facilitate movement during energetic party games.

Lego-Sorter (Apprentice position) – you must follow orders and stick to the devised system. Being able to differentiate between a oner, twoer, flat piece or wedge is highly desirable but training will be given.

Maker of Meals – includes other cakes and tasty treats. The ability to hide stealth vegetables is essential.

Nurse – Are you flexible enough to care for a sick child in the middle of the night? Make an executive decision on when said child is well enough to return to school? Are you prepared to on occasion wait in A&E, hold hands, wipe tears and generally offer support and comfort? Nursing is a vocation but don’t be put off, you WILL rise to the occasion.

Optical Facilitator – Can you spot a pair of dirty glasses at ten paces? Then this job is for you, especially for those devious enough to be able to apprehend glasses from child’s head and give them a good wipe before returning them. Stealth and distraction is a must for this rewarding position.

Photographer – Herding cats might be easier but just keep snapping to preserve those precious family times together, of course no one will remember you were there as you always have hold of the camera – selfie technique training will be part of the ongoing development of the right person.

Quest Setter – Are you motivated and do you want to motivate others? A temporary position is available for a candidate with imagination in devising a summer reading scheme, tailored to the ability of each child, can you foster a love of words? Bar charts, star charts all considered – coloured pens provided.

Record Keeper – Up to date record keeping is a must especially when filling out medical forms for school trips etc. Remembering dates of each child’s last tetanus injection is an essential quality.

Snowman/ Sandcastle builder – Can you project manage in all weathers? Come sunshine or snow showers we have the job for you.

Tennis Umpire – Can you tell in from out on a tennis court? This is not for the faint hearted – serious contenders only should apply.

Undercover Agent – This role demands ingenuity and flexibility, from hiding behind curtains to amuse the youngest child to secretly listening in on conversations to ascertain the mood of older teens, your skills as an unseen professional should never be underestimated. Eyes in the back of your head is a must for this challenging role.

Ventriloquist Trainer – this job can be outsourced when your son buys a puppet and wants to try his hand at ventriloquism for at least 5 minutes.

Washer Woman – self explanatory but remember to set up training scheme for young apprentices in good time before they fly the nest!

X-terminator – Can you deal with the removal of spiders, birds, bats and mice from you home? All in a days work for one of our skilled operatives. Join the team!

Youth Leader – Do you keep abreast of latest trends and fashions? Is your home a gathering place for the youngsters in your neighbourhood? If you can stick a pizza in the oven to feed a hungry crowd you may have found yourself a new career – at least until university.

Zucchini Grower – other vegetables may to added to the plot …

 

I kind of ran out of steam by the time I got to Z and I couldn’t put zoologist as we only ever had guinea pigs for pets. Otherwise, everything else is pretty much true and all in a day's work!