Conversations about Spiders and Stomas

I am a sucker for a bit of charm, people buttering me up and talking me into something I am not really suited to.

Their words of praise and affirmation are a welcoming balm for my soul, especially when I am looking for a new project to take on and bring meaning to my life.

Sometimes the people who ask me to do things really should know better, I thought they at least understood my capabilities and where my real talents lie.

Others just have a sense I am a “good egg”, because I sometimes lead the prayers in church, so obviously I would be perfect for a role they find quite easy, but through age or other commitments need to give up at this time.

Perhaps all of this sounds vague and airy fairy but the general gist is that I took on a role a couple of years ago that I have come to realise doesn’t suit me at all. And sadly, this is not the first time I have been in this position.

Over the years I have got better at saying NO to things, I can make a list on the fingers of one hand the number of the times I have done so and have fingers to spare!

But it seems evenly balanced with the times I’ve said YES and then embarrassingly and with much grovelling, regret and remorse, had to find an exit strategy.

Maybe it’s just that my mental health at this time is delicate, breaking my arm and being told by the doctor it was a “fragility fracture” and “age related” really knocked my confidence.

Then this “THING” that I want out of, presented its own challenges with some very sharp and snarky bank correspondence that wore me down.

I have come to realise, for my own sanity I have to say, or even SHOUT, a BIG LOUD NO!

Enough is enough!

Never ask me to do anything admin related; it is just not my natural forte. A beautifully presented spreadsheet with files aligned and audited to perfection doesn’t bring me real JOY whatsoever, if it did, I would be on top of my own paperwork.

Once again, I need a reboot, or boot up the backside. I need to remind myself what does indeed bring me joy and satisfaction.

Thankfully I’ve had a couple of conversations in the past two weeks that have stirred my brain cells and re-awakened something.

The first conversation was with a small child as I walked into town. He was outside in his front garden and showed me with some glee the spot where his daddy had reversed the van onto the lawn and left a mark. Then, because I had stopped to listen, he told me about a giant spider he had discovered under the shed. Instead of being the adult who smiled and went on her way, I stopped for a chat about it and I admired his Spiderman T shirt, before waving goodbye.

found on Facebook

I know we tell kids not to talk to strangers, but his mum was there the whole time, smiling that I had taken the time to indulge him.

We all need connections in our lives whether we are 3 or 103, we need people willing to take our own interests seriously. Perhaps it says more about my own level of thinking but I love relating to children, their fascination for the small things is infectious. I walked away with a giant grin on my face.

My second conversation happened yesterday when I spoke to a young woman who may need an operation to create a stoma. Suddenly I was waxing lyrical about having this miraculous “thing” on my tummy that saved my life. I told her I was happy to meet her in the future to talk more even show her what it looks like – not for the faint hearted that one, but if it helps her feel reassured it will be worth it.

I was actually bubbling up but in a good way.

I’ve spent a lot of times over the past month being overwhelmed with tears, I have cried on EVERYONE's shoulders from the chiropractor to my Pilates teacher, in the middle of a creative writing workshop and in the lovely local re-fill shop. No holds barred it just spills out of me at the most inopportune moment.

I have been a MESS, in CAPITAL LETTERS.

I have lost my sparkle.

Conversations about spiders and stomas have reminded me where the lost glitter is buried. It is in the places no one else thinks to look.

I know I keep going on about writing my memoir well this week I finished my first FULL DRAFT.

I know it still needs some refining and inevitable editing; I could probably procrastinate forever trying to get it right, things are always evolving and as I delve into old blogs posts I remember other stories I could add.

But my cunning plan is to add extra words to it when I take this show on the road.

Oh, I have such grand plans, bubbling up and bubbling over. I enjoy public speaking, listening to my own voice telling my story. Performing and being the star of my own show.

Strangely that’s not everyone’s cup of tea, some would rather hide behind paperwork in a darkened room.

All I can say is if you are a paperwork person and you live nearby, come and see me, I might just have a task I am trying to off load 😉