Followed by Widows

 

The title of this could be the start of a creepy gothic adventure, I’m imagining being pursued by wraith like creatures in black veils who float along dark and misty alleyways.

Actually, that might be more interesting to both write and read, maybe I need a new heading?

Perhaps the name of this post isn’t totally accurate either. I want to write about how many widows follow me on Twitter but when I fact checked the number it is actually very small. However, the Twitter algorithms do put lots of tweets on my timeline written by widows and those recently bereaved.

Sometimes I add my own comment, after all I’ve been playing this game for almost twelve years so perhaps, I should consider myself an expert at dispensing wisdom on the subject.

“Be kind to yourself” being the best I have to offer.

In real life I also seem to be followed by widows, maybe I’m not a good friend to have, since I lost Andrew, others in my wider social circle have been widowed and some of those before their mid-fifties. I wonder if God uses algorithms to put like-minded people in your path to offer support when it is most needed?

Early on in my journey I wrote a blog post called Following Foglights and another about being a pioneer. It’s almost laughable that even back then I considered myself a trailblazer. Foreshadowing at its finest maybe, although at 42, I knew others would follow, eventually.

I still hold onto my dreams of writing a book about my experiences and even if my latest plan is to write my story as fiction, a hint of truth, greatly embellished, I hope it expresses some of the challenges and emotions that accompany the grieving process.

Everyone’s journey is different but there are always similarities and common ground. Just knowing you are not alone is comforting.

To that end I really must write the book instead of writing about it. I know I was procrastinating earlier in the month when I wrote about creating a spreadsheet to help with the plot - I've done very little if any actual writing since. 

Please hold me to account and nag me to keep going because there maybe someone following in my wake who needs to read it.

Pondering, Plotting, Planning, Procrastinating

 I sent a message to youngest son

“Today I created my very first excel spreadsheet.”

This was his reply.

Which did make me laugh because, as a computer geek, he is a lover of spreadsheets, so much so I even bought him this mug for Christmas one year.

My spreadsheet wasn’t filled with numbers and complex mathematical equations but with a plot outline for my novel.

A few months back I decided writing my story as a memoir was a bit like piloting a minisub through rice pudding (one of Andrew’s favourite sayings) and as I have never liked rice pudding, I decided I needed a dramatic re-think to move things forward if I ever wanted to complete the project and get a book written, let alone published.

After much pondering I have chosen to write the tale of a young widow in her first year of grief as a novel, rather than writing a true story. My protagonist goes through some of the same things I did and I will still draw on my emotions and experiences which I wrote about at the time in my blog. The rawness of my writing from then will be invaluable source material.

However, the story is NOT about me, I have left some bits out, changed real people for made up characters and embellished much of it. I’ve already written 16,000 words – which sounds impressive, but I'm at the stage where the doubts creep in. I find myself floundering as I realise there are things I want to change at the start and I’m reticent to continue, it feels as if I’ve wandered a bit too far from the original path and lost my bearings.

What’s required is a map, something tangible to direct me, a proper structure to build on. I need to work on the plot, it’s all too fluid, bouncing around in my head, it requires taming and I have never really mastered this bit of the process before.

I reached the same point with The Girl in the Yellow Dress and The Book of Esther and admit I gave up. Hopefully one day I will go back to them because I know they are both too good to completely throw away. I believe they are worth finishing. As is this latest novel idea. 

This is when I usually start pondering... 

Is plotting just another way to procrastinate? 

Will planning take me away from the all important business of actually writing?

The writing had already stalled so I reasoned I'd got nothing to lose and with renewed confidence and purpose, I sat in the garden the other week, enjoying the sunshine and creating some character mind maps. I’ve already ditched some characters in the process, which feels right even though it means I will need to delete a few thousand words before I start writing again. I always think I know my characters well but then discover if I push too hard, they fall apart like a wobbly tower of Jenga blocks. They don’t have solid foundations or backstories.

Today I’ve produced my spreadsheet of the main plot details in some semblance of order, when different characters appear and how that moves the narrative on. The structure, while not set in stone, will give me a bit more of a framework to hang the finer details of the story onto. I have found my way forward, at least for now until I come up against another hurdle, which I invariably will.

But for now I’m quite excited, I feel as if I really have excelled myself today – or maybe it’s just procrastination as a way of avoiding the housework? But that, as they say, is another story entirely…