Inspired by an A-Z of occupation on the Suffolk Writers Facebook Page and with yesterday being Mothering Sunday I decided to combine the two and come up with a list of jobs undertaken by us mothers and others – all in the name of fun and procrastination…
Advisor - Are you
able to give advice on such diverse topics as which options to choose for GCSEs,
how to deal with bullies and what shirt should be worn for a wedding? Don’t
delay apply today.
Barber
– a handy life-skill to master, keep an eye on the technique used by the
professionals and you too can attempt this in an emergency with creativity and flair.
Conker collector – seasonal outdoor work in the autumn months, if you enjoy the crunch of leaves underfoot, this could be the perfect job for you, easily fitted around the school run.
Diplomat – If only
you were better connected, you’d be working for United Nations – their loss is
our gain as you negotiate the complexities of sibling rivalry, just who does
have the biggest piece of chocolate, do you have the skills to judge by eye
without resorting to using the kitchen scales? This is exactly the kind of
precision we are looking for.
Elephant Impersonator – Other animals
considered, join the circus and fascinate a toddler with your mediocre
impressions, short term contract only until the little ones are bored or embarrassed by your behaviour.
Fire
starter – Create a cosy family home
by lighting as REAL fire in your home. Health and safety training is a must,
use of fire guard essential. Butler will clean grate to perfection on occasion (when
grandad come to stay) but must be capable of cleaning out in between visits and
responsible for arranging a chimney sweep.
Guinea Pig Handler – Tasks include cleaning out cage, moving run to fresh grass and some cuddling.
Holiday
Planner – Do you have what it takes to
amuse the kids for six weeks over the summer holidays? Scrap book provided to
create a portfolio of work completed.
Inventor
– Always wanted to join Blue Peter? Test out you credentials by creating fun
and mayhem from an assortment of cardboard boxes, a glue stick and pot of
glitter (optional) or use recycled tin foil to save the planet instead –
extra brownie points available for those who do!
Jedi
Master – Are your Midi-Chlorians strong
enough to accept this challenge of training a Padawan? Sith Lords and time
wasters need not apply.
Knight’s Armour Maker – A very specific role but important when your son is invited to a Knights and Princesses party. Armour should be made from shiny silver fabric to facilitate movement during energetic party games.
Lego-Sorter (Apprentice position) – you must follow orders and stick to the devised system. Being able to differentiate between a oner, twoer, flat piece or wedge is highly desirable but training will be given.
Maker of Meals – includes other cakes and tasty treats. The ability to hide stealth vegetables is essential.
Nurse
– Are you flexible enough to care for a sick child in the middle of the night? Make
an executive decision on when said child is well enough to return to school? Are
you prepared to on occasion wait in A&E, hold hands, wipe tears and
generally offer support and comfort? Nursing is a vocation but don’t be put
off, you WILL rise to the occasion.
Optical
Facilitator – Can you spot a pair of dirty glasses at ten paces? Then
this job is for you, especially for those devious enough to be able to apprehend
glasses from child’s head and give them a good wipe before returning them. Stealth
and distraction is a must for this rewarding position.
Photographer
– Herding cats might be easier but just keep snapping to preserve those precious
family times together, of course no one will remember you were there as you always
have hold of the camera – selfie technique training will be part of the ongoing development of the right person.
Quest
Setter – Are you motivated and do you
want to motivate others? A temporary position is available for a candidate with
imagination in devising a summer reading scheme, tailored to the ability of
each child, can you foster a love of words? Bar charts, star charts all
considered – coloured pens provided.
Record Keeper – Up to date
record keeping is a must especially when filling out medical forms for school
trips etc. Remembering dates of each child’s last tetanus injection is an
essential quality.
Snowman/ Sandcastle builder – Can you project manage in all weathers? Come sunshine or snow showers we have the job for you.
Tennis
Umpire – Can you tell in from out on a tennis court? This is not for the
faint hearted – serious contenders only should apply.
Undercover Agent – This role demands
ingenuity and flexibility, from hiding behind curtains to amuse the youngest
child to secretly listening in on conversations to ascertain the mood of older teens, your skills as an unseen professional should never be underestimated.
Eyes in the back of your head is a must for this challenging role.
Ventriloquist
Trainer – this job can be outsourced when
your son buys a puppet and wants to try his hand at ventriloquism for at least
5 minutes.
Washer Woman – self explanatory but remember to set up training scheme for young apprentices in good time before they fly the nest!
X-terminator – Can you
deal with the removal of spiders, birds, bats and mice from you home? All in a
days work for one of our skilled operatives. Join the team!
Youth Leader – Do you
keep abreast of latest trends and fashions? Is your home a gathering place for
the youngsters in your neighbourhood? If you can stick a pizza in the oven to
feed a hungry crowd you may have found yourself a new career – at least until
university.
Zucchini Grower – other vegetables may to added to the plot …
I kind of ran out of steam by the time I got to Z and I couldn’t
put zoologist as we only ever had guinea pigs for pets. Otherwise, everything
else is pretty much true and all in a day's work!
